Respond Instead of React
For anyone who has said or done something in the heat of the moment and wished they could take it back.
To respond instead of react, create a pause between what happens and what you do. Notice the feeling, name it, take a breath and ask what outcome you actually want before you speak or act. Reacting is driven by emotion in the moment. Responding is a choice. The pause does not have to be long, just long enough to let you choose.
I was head of sales and marketing for a small beverage company. One day the owner asked to talk. I assumed it was a routine check-in. Instead, he told me they needed to cut me.
That was it. No buildup. No long explanation. Just a decision that had already been made. It would have been easy to blame the company, the owner or the timing.
Instead, I asked myself a harder question: what could I have done differently? If I had been creating the kind of value that made me impossible to overlook, that conversation probably would never have happened. That realization didn’t feel good, but it gave me something better than comfort. It gave me control.
Naming what you feel helps create the pause. In brain-imaging research led by Matthew Lieberman at UCLA, putting feelings into words, which he called affect labeling, reduced activity in the amygdala, the part of the brain tied to strong emotional reactions.
Feelings and needs are not the same thing.
Six steps to respond instead of react
Notice the trigger
A tight chest, a hot face, a clenched jaw. Your body usually knows before your mind does. That signal is your cue to slow down.
Name the feeling
“I am angry.” “I feel embarrassed.” Naming the emotion gives you a little distance from it.
Take a breath before you speak
One slow breath is often enough to stop the first words that come to mind. In writing, wait before you hit send.
Ask what you actually want
Do you want to win the moment or fix the problem? Protect the relationship or prove a point? The answer usually changes what you say.
Ask what part is yours
Ask three questions: What happened? What was my role in it? What will I do differently moving forward? Owning your part puts you back in control.
Come back to it later
“Let me think about this and come back to you” is a response. Hard conversations go better when you have had time to cool down.
It gave me something better than comfort.
It gave me control.
What is the difference between reacting and responding?
Reacting is automatic: emotion in, action out, often in seconds. Responding puts a choice in between. Both start with the same feeling. The difference is whether the feeling makes the decision or you do.
Related reading: How to Stay Calm Under Pressure, How to Stop Being Defensive and Control What You Can Control.
Common questions
How do I respond instead of react?
Notice the trigger, name the feeling, take a breath before speaking, ask what outcome you actually want and look for your own role before you act.
What is the difference between reacting and responding?
Reacting is an automatic, emotion-driven action. Responding is a chosen action that comes after a pause to consider what you want.
Why does naming my feelings help?
Research led by Matthew Lieberman at UCLA found that putting feelings into words reduced activity in the amygdala, which can calm strong emotional reactions.
How do I stop reacting emotionally at work?
Build in a pause: breathe, wait before sending messages, ask clarifying questions and give yourself permission to come back to a conversation later.
Notice it, name it, breathe and ask what you actually want. The pause is where your control lives.
You Are Capable
of More.
Ten principles for becoming the person you know you are capable of being, built from real stories of people who doubted themselves and did it anyway. Winner of the How-To category at the 2026 Paris Book Festival.
When I’ve got something worth sending.
Just a story or an idea I picked up that I think will help you.
Sometimes that’s twice in a month. Sometimes it’s not for a while.