How to give feedback
people actually use.
Defensiveness is not a personality trait. It is a predictable response to a small number of things managers do without noticing, and every one of them is fixable.
The short answer: be specific about one observable thing, say the effect it had, ask for their read before you give yours, and make one clear request. Do it within a few days, in private, about the work rather than the person.
The reason most feedback triggers a defence is that it arrives as a verdict on character rather than a description of an event. “You are disorganized” is an argument. “The report came in Thursday and the client had already asked twice” is a fact, and facts are much harder to argue with.
What you get
from doing this well.
Feedback is not a duty to discharge. Done properly it is the cheapest performance tool a manager has.
A specific request about one thing gets acted on almost immediately. A general comment about attitude gets thought about and forgotten.
When feedback is small, frequent and specific, it stops being a thing people brace for. That is the goal, and it takes about three rounds to establish.
Feedback runs both ways. A manager who gives it well and takes it well gets warned about problems earlier than one who does neither.
The most common failure is not harsh feedback, it is no feedback to the people doing well. High performers who hear nothing conclude nobody is paying attention.
Six moves,
in order.
The whole conversation takes about four minutes. It is short by design.
Pick One Thing
One observable event, not a pattern and not a list. The moment you bring a second item, the person stops processing the first and starts defending a case.
If there are genuinely five things, they are probably symptoms of one thing. Find that one and address it.
Describe It Without Adjectives
Say what happened the way a camera would have recorded it. No characterization, no motive, no “always” or “never.”
Say the Effect
Not the judgement, the consequence. This is the part people can’t argue with and the part that makes it matter.
Ask Before You Tell
Stop and ask how they saw it. Genuinely ask, then be quiet long enough for a real answer. About a third of the time you will learn something that changes the conversation, and the other two thirds they arrive at the point themselves, which lands far better than being told.
Make One Clear Request
Specific and future-facing. Most feedback fails here by ending in a feeling rather than an instruction, so the person leaves knowing you were unhappy and not knowing what to do.
Close the Loop Later
The next time they do it right, say so, and reference the earlier conversation. Two seconds, and it does more than the original feedback did.
A manager who only ever completes half the loop teaches people that feedback means something went wrong.
Three things that decide
how it is received.
Before You Open Your Mouth
Within a few days, not a few weeks. Feedback about something from last month reads as a grievance that was being stored up. If it has been a month and it still matters, say that plainly and own the delay.
Never in front of anyone. Obvious, routinely broken, usually in the form of a joke in a meeting. Public correction costs you the relationship even when the point is right.
Not the same day as anything else difficult. If they have just lost a deal or had a hard client call, wait. Same message, different day, completely different outcome.
Taking it
as well as giving it.
What to Do When It Is Aimed at You
Say thank you first, always. Before you agree, disagree or explain. Whoever just told you something uncomfortable took a risk, and the whole room learns from what happens next.
Do not explain in the moment. Your explanation may be completely valid and it will still register as a defence. Take it, sit with it, and come back the next day if there is context worth adding.
Ask one narrow question instead of a broad one. “Any feedback for me?” gets nothing. “What is one thing I do that makes your job harder?” gets an answer. More on getting a real answer here.
Then change something visible. One thing, and say where it came from. Nothing else you can do makes people more willing to tell you the truth next time.
The concept underneath all of this is Seek Truth. Not Praise. If you want to run it as a session with a team, the sixty to ninety minute workshop is free and written out block by block.
You can protect your ego or you can improve your performance. You do not get both.
Common
questions.
How do you give feedback without someone getting defensive?
Describe one observable event without adjectives, say the effect it had, ask how they saw it before giving your view, and end with one specific request. Defensiveness usually comes from feedback that reads as a verdict on character rather than a description of something that happened.
Does the feedback sandwich work?
Not well. People learn the pattern quickly and start discounting praise as the setup for criticism, which costs you both. Give real praise when it is earned and give the correction on its own, specifically and briefly.
How soon should you give feedback after something happens?
Within a few days. Feedback about something weeks old reads as a grievance that was being stored, and the detail both people remember has already degraded. If it has been a month and still matters, say so and own the delay.
What do you say when someone gives you feedback you disagree with?
Say thank you first, before agreeing, disagreeing or explaining. Explaining in the moment registers as a defence even when your context is valid. Sit with it and come back the next day if something genuinely needs adding.
How often should managers give feedback?
Small and frequent beats saved up and formal. When feedback is a regular, specific, low-stakes exchange, it stops being an event people brace for, which takes roughly three rounds to establish.
Should you give positive feedback to high performers?
Yes, and it is the most commonly skipped kind. Strong performers who hear nothing conclude that nobody is paying attention, and that is a frequent reason good people start looking elsewhere.
Run it with your people.
The same ten concepts at five different levels of commitment. Every guide is written so the person running it takes part rather than instructs, and nothing is gated, licensed or paid.
The Lunch and Learn
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Open the Guide → 60 to 90 minutesThe Workshop
One concept worked properly. A question, silence, tables of four, and a commitment from every person.
Open the Guide → Ten x 45 minutesThe Book Club Guide
One session per concept, built to be run by anyone in the group. Everyone needs a copy.
Download It → One dayThe Boot Camp
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Open the Guide → Ten weeksThe 10-Week Program
One concept a week with real life in between. The version that changes how a group operates.
Open the Guide →Seventeen free guides for managers, sorted by the problem — first 90 days, feedback, hard conversations, retention, onboarding, meetings, retreats and change. Browse the guides, or pick the concepts your people need and get a session order back.
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Chris has taken this material onto morning television in seven markets, and writes for Forbes and Inc.
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